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The String Ball/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, the morning coffee is as much a part of the canadian experience as two official languages, ten provinces or one working helicopter. According the encyclopedia possum logica we have more drive-thru coffee joints than public urinals. No wonder we lose so many trees every year. And there's even a coffee drinker's lingo. For example you've got regular, black, cream only, double double -- or in harold's case, single single. And they have these contests where if you drink enough coffee you win a year's supply of sleeping pills. All you have to do is flip up the lip, see what you win. Hey! I won something here. Looks like a three-wheel, all-terrain vehicle of some type it's a -- it's a tri-engine. Oh, no, that says, "try again." [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Thank you. Appreciate it. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. You know, a lot of people in our area like to collect string. A lot of people in our area like to collect dust. Every ten years the town has a competition to see who has the biggest string ball. Uncle red! Uncle red! Check this out. What is that, harold? Nothing. Wait a sec. Is that your string ball? I had a bad year. I hope you weren't expecting to win the competition with that unit there. No! No! I-I-I -- you know what I was thinking? I was thinking that um -- um -- oh! That we can all combine our string and then have one giant entry from the lodge. Yeah, all right. But I'm not going 50/50 on the prize money with that little dust bunny you got there. No, but maybe something like 80/20. How about 90/10? Okay, how about we meet in the middle, okay? 85/20. Okay, good. You know what? These remind me of planets. They look like planets. Don't they look like planets? They look like planets. Yeah, yours is like neptune, and I'm pluto. No, no, no. I'm normal and you're goofy. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's prize is a coupon for a possum lake boat cruise on the historic steam boat, the marilyn belle. Duration of cruise subject to performance of bilge pump. Okay, cover your ears there, dalton. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get dalton humphrey to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. And... Go! Okay, dalton, this is an expression you hear a lot... "get out and..." stay out! No, okay. Okay. When a soldier turns around and goes in the opposite direction, they call that... The french. No, no, no. Okay. Okay, if you're sailing and the boom swings hard from one side to the other, that means that soon you'll be coming... To. No, okay. No. Oh, I know. I know. Americans make fun of the way canadians say this. Please register your firearms. Uh, red, almost outta time. Yeah, I know. Okay. Okay. Dalton, remember last week, you and ann marie were sparring a little, and I said, "what was all that..." yelling. You know, red, we weren't sparring. You know, when it goes more than three rounds that's a bout. Yeah! Rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services, because your fruit should get ripe, not your lawn. Most of you are probably familiar with these garbage disposal units. In my books, there is no better appliance for taking care of vegetables. It grinds them up into a kind of compact form, and then fires 'em down the drain. Kind of like what the human body does. But I'm thinking, wouldn't it be great to be able to do the same thing with outdoor junk, like trees or old school busses? All it takes is a little imagination, some mechanical ability and neighbours who mind their own business. Okay, now, for us to grind up all this junk you see here we're gonna need a pretty powerful garbage disposal; whereas, all we have is this old cement mixer. But to me, this is like when a woman marries the wrong man. Rather than starting over with somebody new, she just makes a few modifications. It's got an agitator in there for mixing up the cement, but it's not strong enough to grind up, say, cast iron. So we're going to augment the blades by sticking a couple prospecting tools to 'em. Okay, now, see these babies here? These are made for pounding rock. I mean, these are strong. They got diamond dust in there and titanium, plutonium and kryptonite. We just gotta make sure we attach 'em real solid. Okay, I think we're pretty much ready to go here. I cut some holes in the bottom of her so the pulverized scraps can just run right through the bottom of our garbage disposal. And of course we've got our garden hose in here. This is so water will run throughout the entire garbage disposal process; otherwise, this could be dangerous. And as you know, safety's what I'm all about. Okay, but of course, the key to the whole process is to mount the unit over an open manhole. That way the output from your garbage disposal will run safely and smoothly into the sewer system that you pay part of your tax dollars. Oh, sure, I guess I could've mounted this thing over the kitchen sink, but I've been married too long to make that mistake again. Oh, yeah, I had to add a little more power to the unit, so I took off the little belt that ran to the electric motor and I put on a big belt. Now, I've gone with a small block 8 here, but if you were grinding, say, I-beams, you might wanna go with a hemi or even a v-12. See, the beauty of this system is you can gear the power to the size of the job. Okay, I had to rethink the strategy a little bit here. I'm actually not gonna start the unit up until after I've put the scrap metal in it and after I've put this lid on it. Of course, with the lid on there, you know, I can't run the water through it, so I'm pre-cleaning all the mechanism with some gasoline. But of course, cleanliness is not enough, you know. You also need to add some lubrication. We've all been there, haven't we? So I'm just gonna cover the blades with oil. We're good to go. I'll tell you one thing. We'll have this yard cleaned up in no time. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. When a man gets close to retirement age, he starts having some weird thoughts. No, not those weird thoughts. I mean the ones about him having all this free time, and if he doesn't use it for something productive, he's gonna feel like somehow he wasted it. Next thing you know, he's signing up for mambo lessons, learnin' how to cook, and carving letter openers out of cow patties with a chain saw. This is a huge mistake. Don't be swayed by what the other retired guys are doin'. Don't join a gym. Don't get together with a bunch of other retired guys and form a motown cover band. Most importantly, do not write a book about your life. You only have enough good stuff for maybe two chapters. Most of the interesting things you've done you can't even spell. And for sure you're not gonna like the ending. So just continue to do exactly what you did that brought you to this point: Nothing. Happy retirement. And remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. Satisfaction guaranteed. Or double your sewage back. Well, harold and I put our two string balls together, and it's a pretty decent sized thing. C'mon, harold. Show 'em what we got. Okay, I'm comin'! They're gonna love this! Well, that should fill in your afternoon. And dalton's bringing his string ball over to add to ours. According to ann marie, he's got a fair sized one too. I hope I didn't misunderstand her -- [ dalton screaming ] that would be him now. [ whimpering ] wh-where's the string ball? It's right behind me. Oh, my -- kinda got away from me, and -- holy cow! We're okay. We're okay. It stopped at the hill. Uh-oh! It's rolling back! Red: Oh! Dalton: Don't! Who knew string could be so dangerous? I've never seen so much string in my life. This would be like a dream, if it was a good thing! Harold, this is a good thing. That baby is a winner, dalton. Just gotta figure out how to get it down to the community centre. Maybe if we had a vehicle, we could push it down there. I mean, it rolls pretty good. Well, of course, the possum van. Okay, look, I'll go around outside and I'll pull on it. You guys push on it. Push, dalton. Come on, harold, you can help out. Just like a big wedgie. Red: All right, push! Push! All right. All right. This is it. Stand back, uncle red. Dalton, look out. I don't want anybody to get hurt. Red: It's coming. [ harold screeching ] [ crash ] red: Was supposed to meet bill and ed out behind the lodge, down by the lake. We were gonna do a little fishin'. Bill pulled in just a little snug, I felt. And I was, uh, givin' him a little grief on that. Next thing you know, ed does exactly the same thing. We really gotta widen that road. So ed comes around. We're givin' him grief. He didn't put that thing in park. He didn't put the emergency brake on, and he's got a carburetor problem. Actually, we just -- grab that. Just grab anything there. Grab it -- oh! Oh! See, that's what rust can do to a vehi -- she's actually starting to pick up speed. Heading right for the lake, and... Alrighty then. That is our local car wash, but you don't get your car back. So we're enjoying that, but we don't want ed to see -- oh, no, we're good. That's a shame. That's a shame. No, that's a shame. And ed tells us why he's upset, because actually walter's still in the vehicle. So I tell him, you know, just calm down. It's all right. Don't worry. We'll get you out. You know what? This is a modern age of technology. What I have on the front of the possum van is a 50-tonne power winch. And if you just -- just wait, everything is gonna be great. Don't worry. You got nothing to worry about. Got her all under control. Everything's fine. Just gotta -- give me a couple minutes and I'll have him right out of there. Not a problem. Not a problem. It's all right, boys. It's all taken care of. But of course, these two can't trust technology. They figure they better rescue walter on their own. They don't trust the winch and all that and so on. So the first thing they do is they try a ladder. And how did that go? Yeah. You just gotta relax sometimes in life, just kinda go with the flow. Oh, a little inflatable wading pool and a pickaxe. Yeah, kinda saw that one comin'. Did you get him? Are you okay, boys? And I come up and there and I hook the winch just casually onto the rear axle of the unit. And, uh, you won't believe the power of this thing. It's unbelievable. What do you got -- oh, a canoe and a life jacket or two. Yeah, it's not necessary, boys, but you know, you do what you want. I think we'll be fine. Any luck? So I'm wheelin' her in. Everything's goin' great, and I was a little surprised. I did not get the complete vehicle. Um, but I'm thinkin', you know, if we line up, uh, the bumper assembly and the tail-lights, you know, it's startin' -- you know, she's startin' to take shape. So let's go back and get the rest of her. And again, it's just a bit of a waiting game, but, uh, everything's fine. What have we got here? That's a flare gun, you know? Careful. Careful with that, bill. Careful. Oh, boy. Yeah. Okay, fine. So now I'm gonna hook her right on to the bumper. Uh, she should be a lot lighter with that rear assembly out of there. I think we'll be good. Uh, that would be the trunk lid. Hmm, I don't know what that was. And that is the front quarter panel. We're gettin' there. We're makin' progress here. A bucket seat. It's turning into a bit of a jigsaw puzzle, this unit. And there's the hood. And the -- I got her together pretty good. And the guys are -- just one last attempt, I think. What are they gonna take this time? You know, really not necessary, fellas. I can -- I can bring walter up, using pretty much the same technique. So walter's safe; the car's back together; and there's an important lesson in all of this... You can either be patient, or you can be 'a' patient. [ applause ] you know, my wife says that I have this bad habit of generalising about things. So I throw a trick question at her. I ask her: Is it always wrong to generalise? You get it, huh? That stumped her. That's called a conundrum, see? She was stuck for an answer. But then I'm stuck for a place to sleep. But there is one thing I can generalise. Guys like myself. We can tell you which page of the newspaper has the sunshine girl on it. We can tell you the hours of operation of every beer store within a two-hour drive. But we can't seem to remember to replace the empty toilet paper roll. So I've come up with a way to do it automatically. I put a cap on the bottom end of this little piece of duct work here. Cut a hole in her the same size as the core in the centre of the toilet paper roll. Now whenever I come to the end of a roll, the weight of the other rolls forces the cardboard core out, and drops the new roll into place. It's a gravity feed, kinda like moose thompson at a buffet. But of course, now it's not enough to have something practical in your home, it also needs to be decorative, doesn't it, huh? But don't worry, I've even got that one figured out. Bernice is gonna love this. It's not just a toilet paper dispenser, it's what I call my "jumbo model." [ imitates elephant trumpeting ] ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt the "red green show" so that I may bring you the following important environmental message. Greetings, campers. Ranger gord here with another one of my patented... Say now, here's a sight to see. A couple of happy-go-lucky noodle heads getting ready to leave their campfire. But what's this? Look closer, everyone. Smouldering embers just waiting to burst into a raging inferno. All it will take is a single gust of wind, an errant newspaper, and, of course, a carelessly tossed five-gallon can of gasoline. Fortunately, these two were smart. They're wearing flame-retardant clothing, perfect for smothering the flames. That's flannel, ranger gord! Flannel! Whoops. Good thing I brought this bucket of sand. [ police siren ] so remember, folks, never parade around naked in a public campground. It's just common sense, isn't it? [ hearty laugh ] [ gasping for breath ] well, uh, that could've gone better. Well, it was a bad plan. It was a great plan, harold. The possum van had no trouble pushing that gigantic string ball. You know, if the community centre had been uphill from here, we'd have no prob -- but oh, no! Why didn't you just step on the gas, get the van in front of the ball? And then at least you could've slowed it down. Wha -- and pass on a solid line, harold? That is illegal. Well, so is knocking down the community centre. Oh, man, we got trouble, boys. We do not have trouble. There is nothing about that string ball that ties us to the crime. Oh, really? Well, when the ball hit the peak of the roof of the community centre, it started to unwind. And it started to come back the same way it went, which means it's leaving a trail that leads right to the lodge! Ohhhhh! Uncle red, I don't wanna spend my sexually active years in prison. Well, harold, it actually might be best. But don't panic. I'm just gonna get rid of the evidence. [ chuckling ] [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Yeah, you guys go ahead. I'll be right down. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. Today I learned all about sharing. I shared my string ball; I shared my possum van; and almost shared a cell. And to be honest with you, I'm kinda hoping that sharing continues on into the night, but again, that's your call. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change if I have to, I guess. Well, I have good news, men. Spoke to the police chief, and they're not gonna press any charges. Apparently they have laws against strings of crime, but nothing against crime of strings. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com